Fearful Words!

There are certain hints that let you know you're probably in for a bad movie (there are always exceptions, of course - I'll get in to those in this same post, so hey! rule of thumb). Among those are - movie titles that include the author's name like "Bram Stoker's Dracula" (Gary Oldman's a lot of fun, but that's about it) or "Stephen King's Cat's Eye." Also avoid any movie "brought to you by Hasbro" - that lets you escape both Battleship and the current Ouija. You can see why I cringe from those fearful words

 On the surface, Ouija should be great Halloween-season fun. Nearly everyone has a slightly creepy story to tell about the "spirit board" and the planchette seeming to move under its own power. Cast an group of attractive not-quite-adults and really - just sit back and watch the cashy money roll in.

Or not.

Oh, Ouija is doing well enough at the box office that first time director (and many times special effects guy) Stiles White will get another shot at a low-budget scarefest. But the movie is just a checklist of "what not to do when you think you're under supernatural attack." First off, if you decided to go exploring in the (naturally) dark house - go to Lowe's. Buy a generator, a couple of hundred-foot heavy-duty drop cords and about half a dozen big work lights. Rig that house up like the Fourth of July - THEN go in. It's also crazy-making how the adults just disappear, leaving the kids to sort through a rash of teen suicides by themselves. Still, it's got some good jump scares and I admire the restraint it took to get a PG-13 rating for this sort of film.

However, one of my biggest gripes about Ouija is (I'm about to get all film scholar on you here; just bear with me for a minute) its self-reflexive post-modernity. You've got a movie here dealing with spirits, communication beyond the grave, malevolence lingering about places and objects - all the signs of a classic haunting and there's not one single mention of God. I can handle that to a point - personally, I thought the film Stigmata in which an atheist receives the marks of stigmata to be a very interesting take on that aspect. But I'd just come from watching the director's cut of The Exorcist and let me tell you - when in these confusing, frightening situation - get a Jesuit, not the Hasbro help line.

So - The Exorcist. First off, this breaks the rule of thumb, as it's actually William Peter Blatty's The Exorcist, but this is the exception that may prove the rule. Released in 1973, Warner Brothers still maintains a website for the movie. Often called "the scariest movie ever," The Exorcist has a slow pace and much of the terror comes, not simply from gross-out effects (although there are some seriously disturbing moments in this film, especially revolving around sex and religion), but from the sheer otherness that's involved. Is the little girl "just" deeply psychotic or is there actually something from another spiritual realm in there?

Ladies and gentlemen, bring out the Jesuits! Seriously. The Society of Jesus was often at the forefront of any exploration into the New World and they quickly established schools in their territories. As to exorcism and demonic possession, I hold to Hamlet's point of view that "There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio/Than are dreamt of in your philosophy."

The unknown is scary and we rational, 21st-century beings often like to think that there are no dark corners left in the world. H. L. Mencken knew better. He wrote: "Penetrating so many secrets, we cease to believe in the unknowable. But there it sits nevertheless, calmly licking its chops."

You want to be scared? Skip Ouija and read the front page news for three days. You want to be unmanned by the terror of what might be? Watch The Exorcist.

Ho, Ho, Ho!

Hung with care - check!

Okay, let's get one thing straight.  In a world which has entire radio stations switching their format to Andy Williams and Bing Crosby to saturate the airwaves with Christmas songs, there's really not a war on Christmas.  Don't believe the hype - Christmas is so far from being under attack in the USA that it's nearly laughable.  Retailers expect to turn a profit for the year based on sales made in the final six weeks of the year - the very name "Black Friday" comes from a business turning a profit (recorded in black ink) as opposed to running at a loss (red ink) and they certainly want to welcome Christmas shoppers.  (Note:  They also want to welcome Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and, I daresay, Solstice shoppers.  It's the desire for profit that drives the more inclusive "Happy Holidays," not some sort of animosity towards the Christ Child.  Face it - Santa sells.) For further evidence, I live in the American South which seems to have an entire cottage industry based on turning out bizarrely festooned Christmas sweaters.  And yes, I own a couple, so I know of what I speak.

Radio stations aren't the only media to hop on the Christmas bandwagon.  The world of the Christmas special is upon us and I thought it would be a good time to mention ten of my personal favorites.

1. First off, you can't go wrong with any of the Rankin/Bass stop-motion specials.  Rudolph (you know, the one with the elf who wants to be a dentist), Frosty the Snowman, Santa Claus is Comin' to Town, and The Year Without a Santa Claus - all are lovely tales, best served with cocoa.  Don't blame me if you find yourself thinking about misfit toys or humming the Snow Miser song.
2. Don't forget the Grinch!  C'mon, Boris Karloff??  Cindy Lou Who?  Plan time for this one.  Plan time to ignore the Jim Carrey one.
3. And let's not overlook the special that gave us the "Snoopy dance" - A Charlie Brown Christmas.
4. The Muppet Christmas Carol.  Words cannot express how much I enjoy this one.  Gonzo the Great as Charles Dickens (helped out by Rizzo the Rat) was a wonderful idea, but to really make this one work, you need to understand the source material.  (Think of it this way.  You can enjoy Blazing Saddles if you've never seen another Western, but if you know the general structure and tropes of that type of film, the jokes become much, much funnier.)
5. Another parody of Dickens' tale is the Bill Murray film Scrooged.  I love this one, mostly for the spin it takes in having television take the place of Scrooge & Marley's bean-counting firm.  Darkly comic and it retains the transformative message that is the hallmark (if you will) of the Dickens story.
6. So what version of A Christmas Carol would I suggest?  Honestly, there are a lot out there to choose from (see this list!), but I like the George C. Scott version.  Really - watch this before you tackle the parodies listed above.    
7. Buffy the Vampire Slayer never did "a very special episode," for which I've always been glad, but there is a lovely Christmas-themed episode ("Amends" in Season 3) that deals directly with whether redemption is deserved or a gift without strings - and what to do if you feel you don't deserve such a gift.
8. Supernatural has a Christmas episode ("A Very Supernatural Christmas" in Season 3) that's become a recent addition to my "must watch" list.  It's irreverent and slapstick-funny in places, but also too violent for the smallest among us.  It's also bittersweet as you see the young Sam and Dean try to create Christmas in one of Supernatural's many cheap motel rooms.
9. And the very first Doctor Who episode I saw was the Christmas special ("The Christmas Invasion") from Russell Davies' relaunch of the series - and the first full one with David Tennant.  
10. Also, if you can find it, the short-lived 90s series My So-Called Life has a fantastic Christmas episode ("So-Called Angels") that's well worth seeking out.

There are many others, of course, but there's a decent start!


By the way, there's not a Christmas episode of Breaking Bad, for which I think we can all be grateful.